Most people don't realize that bullying begins in the home, even before it becomes more apparent in school, the work place or society. Most people don't stand up to their parents, siblings, spouses, bosses, friends and or elders out of respect or feeling like they shouldn't address the poor behavior taking place in the home, work place or otherwise because it may ruffle feathers. The sad truth about familial and intimate bullying, is that it creates extremely damaging reactions and responses that often domino into more serious disconnections, resentment and separation between loved ones and strangers alike.
Are you or someone you love...
+ Chronically Negative + Assumptive + Judgmental + Cynical + Deflective + Insecure
+ Controlling + Obsessive & Compulsive + Naive + Oblivious + Emotionally Unavailable
+ Angry + Selfish + Critical + the Victim Role + Explosive + In Denial + Egocentric + Entitled + Funny, Not So Funny + Sarcastic + Intentional + Resentful + Arrogant + Dishonest
These are just a few characteristics that lead to bullying and disrespect within "loving" relationships.
How do you speak and interact with those you love or among strangers? How often do you criticize, complain, belittle, insult, command, project, play the victim, blame everything and everyone except yourself, throw guilt trips, "jokingly" make fun of or verbally jab others? How often do you compliment, encourage, support, give thanks, say "Please," go with the flow, choose not to sweat the small stuff, confidently interact with others, tell the truth and cope with circumstances in healthy ways? What you think, how you behave and interact with others determines the reactions and responses you get from others, to include yourself. "You get what you give."
What is happiness anyway? It's all relative, what brings one man pleasure, brings another man pain. According to Merriam-Webster by full definition :
1 a : a state of well-being and contentment : JOY
b : a pleasurable or satisfying experience
2 : FELINCITY, APTNESS // A striking happiness of expression
3 obsolete : good fortune : PROSPERITY
// all happiness bechance to thee -William Shakespeare
When you or your loved one wakes up, do you/they continue to progressively move through the day, interact with others in positive ways, "Are you/they happy, pleasant to be around?" Do people enjoy your/their company? Do people respond to you/them with kindness, love and respect? If the answer is no, perhaps it's time to reflect on your/their behavioral patterns and those behavioral patterns of those you/they interact with. What does your/their current internal dialogue consist of? Are you/they highly stressed? Do you/they have healthy or unhealthy self-talk? Do you/they have unresolved personal issues or trauma? Does it feel good to insult others, to constantly throw guilt trips? Do you/they regularly consider your/their thoughts before the thoughts and feelings of others, regardless of circumstances? Those folks that we care about deeply, those who "care" deeply about us, but cannot help but behave poorly, unkind, controlling, degrading and selfishly, normally possess a degree of fear, hurt, insecurity, ego and or resentment resulting in unintentional bullying of loved ones. This is the most challenging part involved in loving the ones we love; sometimes we/they make it impossible and exhausting to receive love or give love.
Why do people become concentrated, firm and or lash out on other people; they begin to disassociate, shut down, stop caring, stop trying to connect with loved ones and or strangers? People isolate themselves from certain people, most of the time, because the pleasure vs. pain ratio leans more towards pain than pleasure. People become desensitized and emotionally disconnected over time around certain people because letting go of loved ones is difficult and it doesn't seem quite right to discard people that we love; therefore, people attempting to cope with the poor behavior of others often end up volleying equally negative and unhealthy behavior back and forth for years because dealing with someone who refuses to acknowledge their poor behavior is extremely exhausting, frustrating, depleting and abusive. All people have a breaking point.
Decide what is important and break the cycles. If you're in the position of being abused, set boundaries and stand in your power regarding how you are and are not willing to be treated. If you're not okay with being treated poorly, it's up to you to create the clear boundaries that make being treated better, possible. If you're in the position of abusing others and in return receiving poor reactions and responses from others, reflect on your behavior. Stop what your doing to create disconnect. If you find yourself getting ready to insult, criticize, belittle, manipulate, throw guilt trips, antagonize, patronize, make fun of someone, gossip, control, dictate someone's behavior... Don't. It's that simple. "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." If people want your advice and insight, they will often ask. Think before you speak and or act. Poor behavior does not get a free pass regardless of who you are. If you physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically or verbally assault someone due to your own poor internal dialogue and or issues, you're asking for someone to react and respond to you in negative ways and with huge consequences. Eventually, over time, people get tired of poor behavior, regardless of who is dishing it out.
Positive, supportive, tactful, thoughtful, honest, respectful, appreciative, generous, selfless behavior will always get better reactions and responses than abusive bullying of others. We make the beds that we sleep in, we manifest what happens in our lives based on our internal dialogue, our mental compass; the trigger that often inspires our behavior. The powerful ability to know that what we think and do, how we act and speak to others is directly linked to our own behavior and the ways that we and others directly react and respond to us. "What happens within us manifests outside of us. Pay attention to the details in order to understand why you either do or do not have what you wish for in your relationships and life." We each hold the key to our own success, but we have to be willing to do the work and to disconnect the harmful cycles in order to connect to healthy cycles.