"I love you, but I love myself more."
Have you ever been in love? Have you ever been deeply in love and lost your love? Do you remember how it felt? Sometimes life throws unexpected curve balls, sometimes the pitch is clear as day, regardless, the experience of feeling disconnection between someone we share sincere love with is normally an unpleasant experience; intimate or otherwise.
Depending on how the disconnections take place within our beloved relationships, being severed from another human being that we care deeply for has the power to drop us to our knees, to inspire a dragon's fury, to create emotional tidal waves of insecurity, paranoia, resentment, eccentric and spiteful behavior, woeful sorrow and deep depression, relief, freedom, gratitude and sometimes happiness. There is no guarantee how any of us will respond to the loss of a loved one, but in those moments when it feels as though our breath has been stolen, our hearts pierced with a dagger and the heaviness inside feels hollow, we don't always know how to release the pain.
Be with me now. Is it inevitable, forever until we meet again, done or salvageable? Only you know the answer to that question. In those moments that follow the disappearance of a face that once was, we sometimes struggle for words, sometimes there are no words, just emptiness. Sometimes there is no other opportunity for additional words, sometimes a physical body that once existed, exists no more. Sometimes the fate of true love begins to fail at the foundation and lovers become strangers, friends become enemies, respect becomes obsolete. Whatever the case may be, stay present. How we feel in those moments following deep loss can be quite tragic by nature, often unpalatable, but we must rediscover ourselves and decide what we want and need for our future in order to carry on.
Feel what you need to feel for as long as you need to feel the tidal wave. Allow yourself the opportunity to be human, to process the burn. Cry many necessary tears, reminisce about the happiness that was shared, speak what needs to be spoken, hold onto the value taken from the relationship, allow it to inspire you year after year, cherish it. Reference it often. Remember. Keep what you wish to generate more of, release that which no longer serves you.
I could write a book on the loss of love in and of itself. I, like many of you, am all too familiar with the death of a lover, the loss of friends and family, devastating deceit and making difficult decisions pertaining to those we love. I know what it's like to slit my wrists and to take a bottle of pills to try to numb the pain as a child; not knowing how to cope with the unimaginable. I understand the dark spiral of feeling alone and insignificant in an enormous world filled with cruel struggle and pain. Being human is not always an easy experience to embrace for anyone, but to be a kind and compassionate human in this world is even more challenging. Diving into self-awareness and the power of mind mechanics has saved my life for decades, that is why I do this work.
When it hurts, sometimes we need to feel the pain to remember we're alive. When we cry, we purify the body and allow ourselves the opportunity to release the pressure. When we breathe, we inhale fresh new life and when we exhale we release the heaviness we carry inside. Acknowledging our thought process as it takes center stage is one of the most important gifts we can offer ourselves. Knowing what is taking place within us and how it influences every next step that we take, enables us the opportunity to make wise choices. Deciding how we want to feel when we're ready to get back up and dust ourselves off, is us embracing confidence. We get to pick and choose how we feel, but we have to pay attention to the details in order to achieve the desired emotion. We have to do the work to disconnect those things that feed the undesirable emotion and re-direct ourselves in the direction of connecting to those things that enable us to feel what we deeply desire. This is how we gradually move through heartache. This is one of many remedies that soothes the soul and allows us to continue smiling in the face of adversity.
Love can be extremely painful, but that should never discourage anyone from deeply loving throughout their lifetime. There is absolutely nothing more remarkable than sharing the experience of authentic love, it's powerful and extraordinary in every way. I have zero regrets sharing love with those that I have loved & lost in my lifetime, but I will also always honor myself and remind myself in times of necessary reflection that, "I love you, but I love myself more," meaning, "I love you, but I will never suffer unless it is my own choosing," whether before, during or after loving someone or something. We get to choose the battles within our mind, it isn't always easy, but it is a gift that most of us do possess.